The Art of Active Listening: 4 Tips to Improve Your Communication
Simon Sinek is well known for his work in the business world but one of his most important messages may well have been said by every couples therapist in the world. He says that “Effective communication begins with listening.” It’s true! If you’re looking to improve your relationship with your spouse or a family member, therapists like me are probably going to tell you that one of the first things to practice is your active listening skills.
First though, let’s actually define what we’re talking about when we talk about active listening. Active listening can be thought of as focusing in to make sure that we really understand what the speaker is trying to communicate. That means we put aside anything that we want to communicate ourselves and put all of our energy into hearing, processing, and clarifying what the other person is saying or asking for before we respond and before we pass any judgement.
1. Active Means Effort
The active part of active listening means that we put energy into the process. It requires that we put effort into understanding and processing the information that we’re hearing. Real active listening can feel tiring because it does require you to put energy into the process. We don’t always think about listening as being something that requires a lot of energy but when we’re actively listening we hear what the speaker is saying, we consider it, we think about it, and if there’s anything that we don’t understand, we ask for clarification. All of that requires energy.
2. Active Means Engaged
Active also means that we’re engaged in the process. That means we limit distractions. We put the phones down, turn off the ringer. It means we turn off the television. It means we look at the person communicating so that they know they are the center of our attention – that there’s nothing more important to us in that moment than hearing what they’re trying to say.
3. Only Two Ways to Communicate
Remember that there are only two ways to communicate - things that you say and things that you don’t say. When you’re actively listening, it’s important to pay attention to the words that the speak is sharing but it’s also important to pay attention to the nonverbal signals they’re sharing as well. Are they closed off? Do they seem to hesitate? Do they look worried? It’s OK to ask for clarification on these things too. For example, you might say something like “Hey honey, it seems like you’re really worried about sharing whatever it is that you want to tell me. Is that how you’re feeling?”
4. Withhold Judgement
Once of the biggest challenges with active listening is that we often jump to conclusions or become judgemental before the other person has finished sharing everything they want to share. As hard as it is, make sure that the speaker feels like they were able to share everything that they needed to before you begin to respond. You might notice if the person brings up something that has been frustrating in the past that you become frustrated now too. Try to keep those emotions and judgements at bay so that the person is able to finish everything they wanted to share.
There’s a lot to learn when it comes to active listening. It can be hard to master. But, I promise you that the more you’re able to practice, the more the people you care about will feel heard by you and connected to you!
