Why do we make excuses for bad people

Why do we make excuses for bad people?

Everyone at some point in their life has tried to justify the behavior of those around them, be it friends, family, or a partner. It's a hard habit to break; we always want to be the most understanding and lenient for those we care about. But when does it become enabling, and when does it become self-destructive? And most importantly, how do we stop doing it? 

There is no one trick to get rid of bad habits like these; they aren't an easy fix. But to make it more manageable, understanding why we do it is the first step. People often do this to justify to themselves and others why they keep the person around, even when everyone says they shouldn't. You want everyone to see them as you do, and to like them as you do. Even if this means coming up with reasons for every time they've made you sad. “Oh, they've been stressed recently” or “this is just how they joke around”, these are extremely common ways to justify bad behavior. If you find yourself having to do this often, then we need to stop and think, is this worth it? Is keeping this person in your life worth the stress and anxiety, or are you just doing this because being alone is scary, and something is better than nothing? Would you let your friends and family be treated this way? In most cases, the answer is no, so why do you let yourself be treated any differently? 

Instead of excuses, we need to recognize that their behavior is wrong. Period, that's it. No bad moods, no off days, nothing. You don't deserve to be treated like a second choice or something expendable. So there are a few ways to end this. One way is to try to have an open discussion about the behavior and what you want to stop. Going to a restaurant or park and having a sit-down conversation where you accurately express your emotions can really change the outcome. The person can accept what you say and work to change their ways, the best outcome. But that isn't a guarantee; most people who exhibit these behaviors won't change because you brought it up, and that's the sad truth. So if they don't change and don't care about your feelings, what's the next move? Well, even if it's hard to admit, you need to cut them out of your life. Be polite about it, but try to distance yourself from them and move on. You deserve people around you who actually care about you and not someone who couldn't care less what happens to you. 

But even after you have distanced yourself, where do you go from there? How do you make new connections? Well, one easy way is to connect with people who share similar hobbies and interests. Whether that be knitting or playing video games, there are so many people who are open and welcoming in communities. Online communities exist for basically every hobby and interest you can think of, and even in-person events for niche topics. There will always be people out there who see your worth, and it's never too late to find them. 

If any of these steps seem too difficult to do alone, it's never too late to reach out to a professional for the assistance you need. Reach out today for your appointment. We’re happy to help!