Why Couples Keep Having the Same Argument
When couples begin marriage counseling, a common complaint that comes up goes something like this: “We always seem to have the same arguments!” It’s true. As a couple, you might have three or four arguments that you cycle through but usually it starts with some small issue that might not seem like much. So why does it seem to escalate and build into a full-blown argument?
First of all, it’s important to know that essentially all couples have this experience. Repeating problems that pop up at various times. In fact, renowned couples researching John Gottman has a name for these types of concerns - he calls them perpetual problems. So, you’re not alone - there is help for you!
It’s also worth nothing that it’s almost certainly not the topic that you need to try and change. It’s the pattern. We can pick almost any topic and exchange them in and you’ll have the same argument because of the underlying pattern.
And patterns can be understood and changed!
The Patterns We Fight About
Even though every relationship is unique, the things we often fight about are usually predictable and relatively simple - at least simple to understand. The patterns typically look something like this.
Partner A feels hurt → they bring up their concerns critically (e.g. “Why do you always talk to me like that?”)
Partner B feels attacked → they become defensive and/or shut down (e.g. “You always seem to think I’m being mean, I’m just telling you the truth.”)
Partner A feels even more hurt → escalates the criticism
Partner B withdraws further
And so on
Eventually, the argument stops – not because the issue was resolved but because the energy required to keep feeding the pattern becomes too much.
But, from the list above, you can see that this pattern can show up regardless of the actual topic. At this point we’re not even discussing the topic, we’re reacting to each other.
Let’s Look Under the Hood
Almost every argument you have in your relationship is going to come down to a few simple needs or hurts. This is ultimately what you’re trying to resolve - you’re not really that concerned about the dishwasher or the socks that are on the floor or whether you want to spend time at the in-laws. When they’re recounting the arguments they have, couples will often remark on how petty they feel. And if they really were just about socks or in-laws, they’d probably be right.
Under the hood though, the things we fight about can be summarized most often by one or more of these questions:
“Do I matter to you?”
“Am I respected?”
“Can I rely on you?”
“Am I safe to be open?”
If I could tell you that I’m overwhelmed, do I matter enough to you to help me with the tasks I need to complete?
It’s really important to me to spend time with my parents, can I rely on you to make that a priority?
We don’t usually ask these questions directly. Maybe we should but for lots of reasons we’ve learned to try to talk around them, to mask them in conversations about socks or dishwashers or in-laws.
But if we could actually answer these questions instead of avoid them, we can start to change the patterns and help your relationship.
How Couples Counseling Helps
Usually the avoidance that we learn towards these questions goes back a long way. It’s emotionally charged, difficult work to really being to unpack these questions. When couples become so entrenched in these patterns, it usually requires the help of a trained couples therapist to help unravel the patterns and get to the core of the concerns.
The answers to these questions really matter. We want to be able to help you find out the truth. Reach out today to contact us and schedule your consultation today!
