I Want to Change but I Don't Know How

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I want to change, but I don't know how”?

Maybe nothing is terribly wrong. You have a job, a home, a family and people you care about. It’s a reasonably normal life. But something doesn't feel right. You're bored, restless, unhappy, disconnected, or simply tired of feeling like you're going through the motions.

Or maybe things really aren't going well. Your relationship might be struggling or you might hate your job. You've lost touch with your friends. You're overwhelmed by stress. You don't recognize yourself anymore. Whatever the reason, you've reached the point where you know you don't want to keep living exactly the way you've been living.

The problem is that knowing you want something to change and knowing what you want to change are two very different things.

And when you don't know where to start, the idea of changing your life can feel so overwhelming that you end up doing nothing at all. So, let’s help you get started!

You Don't Need to Figure Out Your Whole Life

When we think about changing our lives, we often imagine that we need to come up with some kind of grand plan. We need to figure out what career we really want. We need to know where we want to live. We need to decide what kind of relationship we want. We need to figure out what will make us happy and what our lives should look like five or ten years from now.

That's a lot to ask of yourself.

The reality is that you don't necessarily need a five-year plan. You may not even need to know exactly where you're going. An easier place to start might be by asking yourself a much simpler question:

What isn't working for me right now?

Start With What's Not Working

Sometimes we know that we want SOMETHING to change before we know what that change should actually be. You know you’re tired of something that’s happening in your life but you don’t really know what you really want to happen instead.

Maybe you're tired of feeling lonely. Maybe you're tired of arguing with your partner. Maybe you're tired of spending your Sundays dreading Monday morning. Maybe you're tired of saying yes to everyone else and never having time for yourself. Maybe you're tired of feeling like you're just getting through each day. All those feelings are worth paying attention to.

You don't have to immediately turn them into a plan. You can simply get curious about them.

Some questions you might ask yourself…..

What are you tired of? What do you wish you had more of? What do you find yourself thinking about when you have a little quiet time? What parts of your life feel satisfying, and which ones leave you feeling drained?

You may be surprised by what starts to emerge when you stop asking, “What should I do with my life?” and start paying attention to the life you're actually living.

Clarity vs. Revelation

We sometimes expect clarity to arrive in the form of some big revelation. We think that one day we'll suddenly know exactly what we're supposed to do, where we're supposed to go, and what will make us happy. It almost never happens that way.

Sometimes you know what you don't want long before you know what you want instead.

You might know that you don't want to stay in your current job, even though you have no idea what you'd rather do. You might know that the way you're communicating with your partner isn't working, even though you don't yet know how to change it. You might know that you're tired of spending so much time alone without knowing how to build a more satisfying social life.

Knowing what isn't working is information.

In fact, some of the biggest changes in our lives begin with something as simple as realizing, “I don't want to keep doing this.”

Don't Try to Change Everything at Once

When you're unhappy with several parts of your life, it's tempting to decide that everything needs to change. There's nothing wrong with wanting a fresh start, but trying to change everything at once can make it harder to change anything.

Instead, pick one area of your life that feels particularly important right now.

Maybe it's your relationship. Maybe it's work. Maybe it's your social life. Maybe it's your physical or emotional well-being. Maybe it's simply finding something that gives you a sense of enjoyment or purpose again.

You don't have to solve your entire life. You can start by making one part of it a little different.

And once something changes, you may learn something about what you want to change next.

You Don't Always Find Clarity by Thinking About It

There's a strange trap that can happen when we're trying to figure out what we want. We think that if we just think about it hard enough, eventually we'll know.

So we think about changing careers. Then we think about it some more. We research different possibilities. We make lists. We imagine different versions of our future. We worry about making the wrong decision.

And eventually, we're exhausted from thinking about change without actually changing anything. Sometimes the problem isn't that you haven't thought enough. It's that you've been trying to get certainty before you're willing to take a step.

But you don't always discover what you want by thinking about it. Sometimes you discover it by trying things.

Take a class. Talk to someone who does work you're interested in. Try a new activity. Go somewhere you've never been. Have the conversation you've been avoiding. Reach out to an old friend. Update your résumé even if you're not sure you're ready to leave your job.

The point isn't that every experiment will lead somewhere. It won't.

The point is that taking action gives you information that thinking alone can't provide. Research on getting unstuck similarly emphasizes that action can help create direction when you're unsure what direction to take in the first place.

Start Smaller Than You Think You Should

When you're unhappy, a small step can feel almost ridiculous. If you want to completely change your life, what difference is making one phone call really going to make? But every snowball starts with a snowflake. When we start small and if we’re tuned into how we’re feeling, we can start to get some insight into what might work.

You don't have to overhaul your life this week.

Maybe you make one appointment. Have one conversation. Spend an hour doing something you've been putting off. Look into an opportunity you've been curious about. Say no to something you don't actually want to do.

Small doesn't mean meaningless.

Sometimes a small change is simply the first piece of evidence that things don't have to stay exactly the way they are.

And Be Careful About Blaming Yourself for Being Stuck

It's easy to turn feeling stuck into a judgment about yourself.

I'm lazy.

I have no motivation.

I should be further along by now.

What's wrong with me?

But being stuck doesn't necessarily mean that you're lazy or lacking discipline. Sometimes you're overwhelmed. Sometimes you're afraid of making the wrong choice. Sometimes you've been doing the same thing for so long that you don't know what something different would even look like.

Sometimes you're exhausted.

And sometimes there are deeper things getting in the way—anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, low self-confidence, or patterns you've developed over many years.

Becoming curious about what's keeping you stuck is usually more useful than criticizing yourself for being stuck.

Instead of asking, “Why can't I just get my life together?” try asking, “What's making change difficult for me right now?”

You Don't Have to Know the Answer Before You Start

One of the hardest parts of changing your life is accepting that you may not know exactly where you're going. We'd love to have a map. We'd love to know that if we make this decision, everything will work out and we'll eventually end up exactly where we're supposed to be.

Unfortunately, life doesn't come with that kind of guarantee. Sometimes you have to take a step without knowing exactly where the next five steps will lead.

That doesn't mean making reckless decisions or throwing your whole life into chaos. It means allowing yourself to explore. Pay attention to what you learn. Adjust when something isn't working. Try again.

Remember, you don't need perfect clarity to begin. Sometimes experience (i.e. trying something new or different) is the best teacher.

Sometimes You Need Someone to Help You Figure It Out

Therapy can be helpful. And, you don't have to come to therapy with a neatly defined problem. You don't need to know what's wrong. You don't need a diagnosis. You don't need a five-year plan. It’s just nice to have someone to listen without judgement and who might give you some different perspective.

Therapy can provide a place to slow things down and figure that out. You can look at what's happening in your life, understand the patterns that may be keeping you stuck, and start exploring what you actually want.

And, choosing to come to therapy might be that first change you want to try!

Reach out to us today! We' would love to help you write the next chapter of your life.